A new start

I love new beginnings. They bring hope and excitement, a chance to try something new, an opportunity to do better, and usually with a new beginning comes a new energy and a new vision. I have a chance to look at 2009 in this way. I will admit, already, only nine days in, it has been a challenge at times! But.... I am determined. I am determined to see this new year as a fresh start. To what, you might wonder? Do I have specific things in mind? I do. I won't list them all. However, there is a thread in each one. Giving up my control.
Years ago, I would not have considered myself a control freak. I thought I was a pretty "go with the flow" kind of person. Oh, but years bring wisdom and experience and with both of those, I have realized I am!!! I wrestle daily with wanting things done my way and on my chosen time table. I expect WAY too much of myself and others. I think I know for certain what is best for me and my family, but in reality, I have NO CLUE!!!
So.....in 2009, I want that to be my theme. Giving up control. Sure, it may only mean taking small strides forward and it may mean NO ONE will notice, but me, but I want to try. And I mean really try. Hopefully, I will be able to share what that looks like over the year to you, girls. I want to. I want you to see the ups and downs that come with trying to live a life like that. Some days will be harder than others, but I believe that with surrender comes peace... I just haven't been living like I do.
Am I scared? I am. Giving up my control in all areas is like jumping off a cliff...a cliff that has an unknown landing. Will it be a hard one? A soft one? How far will the fall be? But, even though I am scared, I am more tired of feeling the weight of trying to hold it all together and have all the answers. That gets so old and has led to such tension inside of me. I know you can sense it. You know me so well. You may not yet understand why, but you sense it all the same. I want you to have memories of a mommy that is happy, fun, and laughs!! I think that just naturally comes in a life of one who has let go of the "need to know what is coming".
I look forward to you being older and us really talking through some of this. I know you will be where I am.... I don't know when... but I know it will face you. It does for us all. I am sure I will be forced to ask the question time and time again, "Who REALLY is in the driver's seat?" I hope more often than not, I can HONESTLY say, "YOU, Oh, Lord. YOU!"