It's that time again.........yes, for momma to be emotional and nitty gritty(sorry, girls, this will happen more and more the older we all get!). Here goes.......
Well, we have almost made it through two FULL weeks of school. There have been many ups and downs.....for all four of us and we are tired. Any school year is a challenge: change of pace, time away from home, new people, new environment. However, this year has been different. I still feel soooooo very behind and that I just can't catch up. Maybe it is because we are in two different schools, maybe it is because we have to get up and out the door every day, maybe it is because I signed up for too much (surprise, surprise), or maybe it is just that I am getting older and my brain and body are slowing down. I'm not totally sure, but I know it has spurred me to seek out why and learn.
Ultimately, I realized two things this week. One is that I take life TOO seriously. Oh, how I want to lighten up and just ENJOY the little things (that really add up to BIG things) each day!!! I want to be able to laugh more and really, truly be calm inside more. I know you girls have picked up on my anxiousness---you know me so well--and it DOES affect you, too. So many of the things we get so worked up about, in the scheme of things, just really don't matter. I want to embrace each day and welcome whatever is to come.......yes, so that I can be happier, but so that you can, too. I want to do things well, but not consume over them. I want to be able to let my "plan" get changed without feeling frustrated. I want to give myself grace when I speak before thinking. I want to accept that the house will just be cluttered most of the time and truly be OK with that. I want to say NO more and every now and then, just SIT and READ or just BREATHE without feeling guilty that I am not being productive. WHEW!!!
The second thing that I have been sitting with is how much I am attached to you both to define me. You, as my children, are an extension of me. However, we are each very different individuals. Learning to separate who I am apart from you is very scary for me. I remember thinking when you were born that watching you grow up would be really hard for me and it is ---even harder than I thought. Apart of letting go is learning to let you make your very own decisions, even if they aren't what I would choose for you. Sure, the decisions you are making now are small ones, but the small ones will grow to bigger ones so quickly. It is also learning to let you fail, learning to let you NOT be liked by others sometimes, learning to let you stand up for yourself, and learning to let consequences teach life lessons. It is learning to let you cry and be comforted by someone else, learning to let you work out your own squabbles and learning to support and encourage you in the areas GOD has gifted you in--no matter if they are similar to mine or not. I want you to know, I am having a hard time with ALL of these things. Please be patient with me.
SO.........this Kindergarten thing has brought about lots of emotions and stirrings of the heart, but I am thankful. TRULY THANKFUL. It's all apart of growing up, isn't it?
On a lighter note, I have two confessions from this week to report. Unfortunately, I should have already learned from previous experiences with both.
1.) Got a ticket in a school zone.......doing 34 in a 15. OUCH!! I was looking at a note from Miss Anna at the time!!! Note to self---DO NOT pull out the school folders until I am completely stopped...once they are out, I can't help but check out the material inside.
2.) Left my debit card on top of the gasoline pumps after sliding it through to pay and completely forgot about it (I was on my phone at the time). Note to self--NEVER try to talk on the phone and pump gas (there are just too many steps for this pea brained gal!).
8 comments:
Being a Mom is the most amazing thing in the entire world. But, there are days when I wonder if I will ever make it through the week, much less the day. I've not seen you in many years, but I remember what a kind sweet spirit you have and I know without a doubt you are that way with your girls! Watching them grow is hard. E-mail me if you want to read my blog- I went private. tracij@conwaycorp.net
Traci Busby Johnston
Mary Ann- first of all, thank you for checking in on me so often lately and always leaving a comment. It's amazing how encouraging it can be to get a blog comment... it somehow helps to know you're not alone in this big world!
Secondly, hang in there! I can totally relate to how you're feeling in this stage of mothering. I feel like God is trying to show me so much right now, and even though it's hard sometimes, I find great peace and joy in knowing he's constantly refining me and making me better! You are not alone!
Oh my sweet friend...I'm right there with you, but feel like maybe I'm starting to come out the other side a little bit. These first few weeks have been crazy and I feel so many of the same things you mentioned. This week I've felt like I could breathe a little better and I'm hoping the coming ones will only get better...that is until the holidays start, but that's a whole other story:)
Hi friend. I've said this before, I'll say it again...your girls are so blessed to have you as a mommy!
And, the debit card at the gas station? Again?! :) (I laughed out loud.) I'm gonna buy you some pants with pockets!
Love you!
I loved getting a glimpse your heart just now. You are so normal to be feeling the way you feel, yet you do it in such a godly manner and with so much grace. What a blessing your girls are receiving through this post. You will probably never know, this side of heaven, what your honesty and transparency will mean to them.
Wow, those last two things- not fun at all.. so sorry!
Love the new picture at the top of your blog!
My kids are 3 and 1, so no school yet, but often I have to play school in the play room. That is how close I want to be to the school thing at this point.
MaryAnn - You are a wonderful mom and your girls are very blessed to have you as their mother. I enjoyed reading your comments because it made me feel so normal. I too have had feelings of being overwhelmed like I will never catch up. It's nice to know that most moms feel that way at some point. You have such a wonderful outlook on life that is so inspiring to all of us.
Post a Comment